My Future Belongs To... Me

Thanks to Allah that I'm officially graduated soon as I received the invitation of graduation party this Saturday. This moment is something that I've been waiting for even since the first day of college "Well, I have to graduate right in 2,5 years from now" and I did it. Thanks to my partner for doing final project as we passed all those hard times (Semarang-Bandung routines, you remember?) even since the first time arranged the proposal; we did it and I'll never do this without you.  

With a straightforward mind, I was thinking that I would spend my 'free-time' after the final project session until the graduation party with heart full of happiness. I have to! I deserve; like free-bird "I'm gonna bake this, make this, cook this, try this, try this places, hanging out, pay all those times I didn't spent with friends, blablablabla". 

Yes I did it for about 2 weeks after I passed officially. I even try my luck on a mini project focused on interior design called RAWZ (please take a visit @rawzproject) which is one of my dream that had to be postponed during my busy-crazy-college-times already checked. But then I forgot to spread my wings into the professional occupation. I'm a job-seeker. It slaps me when I realized that some of my closest friends are settled in some company. I'm freeze. I'm happy for them of course! I just confuse to myself. Why I didn't try? Then, yeah! Those happiness and 'free-bird' things somehow has vaporized just like that. It's struggling time. Paper, envelope, and this and that. From all of soooo many job vacancies I have applied, there are few positions and companies that I've been dreaming of to be able to be part of it. The first company may not that huge. In size, it is small actually - but the customers mostly are from US citizen. The background is just like what I love; Arts and Illustrator and they said no need to have an experiences on drawing or something whatever-you-name-it. But then, I was failed. The second one is quite big in size and you MUST know this company. The background is broadcasting media. The position? something that related to creativity. And I think I'm also failed this time (though I would like to say that I still have a chance *but I'm not so sure*). 

Picture source here

Let me analyze. My background? Engineering. My objectives? (at least for now) are not from engineering. I just want to follow my heart. I just want to listen the voices that I've been ignored since I don't know when, to give my heart a chance in deciding. Well, I'm not that insane. My priorities are two; I have to work in a BIG company OR I have to work in place where my soul could be happy even under the crazy pressure/deadlines. Just so you know, I cried when I failed on the first job, and I cried so many times wishing for a chance that God given to me in the second job I've applied. 

If I cannot work in a BIG company, at least I have to work in my second priority. But again, it always haunted by another truth and all-those-realistic-things in life (you say it!). I may not alone, but our basic problem each are different I'm sure. I'm not (always) that strong person, I'm quite fragile to be honest but I act that I'm not. Yes I'm fine, but I'm not that fine. My heart, my mind, the way I thought. But I always put a believe in Allah. I pray that Allah could bless my priority for the sake of Allah and people who loves me. I just want to live my life, for the last time till I close my eyes. Maybe I'm just too naive. My sister said that I even haven't start it yet. Well, I don't where's the point of 'start' or when I have to start. I don't want to start in that point wherever it is, I want to start far before that starting point because I'm afraid. Yes I'm just afraid. I'm afraid that I'm late. 

Just afraid.

Please listen.

O, Allah. I miss my Abah.