Halo! Selamat berbuka puasa. Sekarang ini tanggal 31 Mei 2018 jam 6.37 PM waktu setempat. Tiba-tiba memutuskan untuk menulis sesuatu tentang seri mimpi di blog, pakai Bahasa Indonesia. Sebenernya ini bukan seri sih, wong mimpi nya juga pasti beda-beda dan nggak saling berhubungan. 

Jadi keputusan untuk menulis seri mimpi tentang Abah ini murni supaya saya nggak lupa sama ceritanya pas Abah dateng ke mimpi. Karena jujur, waktu bulan-bulan pertama Abah pergi, yang paling ditakutkan adalah kalo sampe lupa. Lupa gimana rasanya pegang tangan Abah, lupa gimana permukaan kulitnya Abah pas hari-hari terakhir, kakinya, rambutnya, cara Abah bicara, pesan-pesannya. Takut aja kalo nanti tiba-tiba pas udah jadi ibu-ibu saya jadi lupa gitu wkwkwk

Kenapa nggak disimpen aja tulisannya Fir? Cari perhatian ya biar dikasihani? :)) Saya yakin yang mikir begini nggak pernah nge-backup tulisan atau tugas-tugas pentingnya ke cloud atau google drive atau internet dll wkwk - Selain itu, saya juga sekalian mau kasih gambaran ke teman-teman semua sih, yang mungkin nggak sengaja mampir ke blog untuk mikir lagi tentang kehidupan. Tentang hubungan kalian sama keluarga, sama orang tua. Saya nggak expect kalian untuk sedih ya. Jangan sedih! :) Mari baca cerita ini dari sisi yang berbeda

Baik langsung saja ya..

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Latar belakang waktu di mimpi itu adalah siang hari. Saya lagi tidur siang di lantai. Miring ke kanan ke arah pintu rumah. Tiba-tiba pas bangun ada Abah duduk di lantai sebelah saya tidur sambil senderan di partisi rumah. Abah pakai baju I LOVE JOGJAKARTA dan celana safari warna krem. Itu baju yang dipakai Abah terakhir kali waktu pergi. Di mimpi saya bangun, trus nangis dan deg-degan hebat sambil langsung peluk Abah. Sambil peluk sambil bilang "Bah maaf.. sepurone aku" sambil nangis sih, nggak tau dah jelas apa enggak yak ngomongnya. Abah juga nangis tapi nggak ngomong apa-apa. Sampe sekarang masih inget banget setiap detail di mimpi itu. Rambut Abah, wajahnya Abah. Di mimpi waktu itu Abah udah kurus. Pokoknya bener-bener seperti kondisi terakhir pas Abah pergi. Masih sambil pelukan sambil terus bilang maaf semampunya, sebanyak-banyaknya. Semoga 'Abah nangis' bukan pertanda yang gimana-gimana ya. Kita nangis berdua aja terus gitu sampe akhirnya saya bangun dari mimpi. Muka udah basah semua sama air mata :)) 

Mimpi pas di Semarang - 2013 akhir


Tempatnya kayak di Kota Lama gitu deh ya. Di luar ruangan dah pokoknya. Funny thing was, disitu saya pake baju SD! lagi naik sepeda sore-sore terus ada Abah berdiri di sisi kiri jalan, dekat kursi taman. Trus berhenti lah saya mengayuh sepeda, turun trus nyamperin Abah. Kita duduk berdua. Abah waktu itu pake celana bahan, kaus polo warna hijau avocado, sambil pake topi Levi's favorit. Bawa brief case sambil pake jaket kulit. Saya bisa cium bau jaket kulit Abah waktu itu. Saya tanya Abah apakabar. Abah nggak jawab secara literal tapi saya tau jawaban Abah adalah 'Abah sehat'. 'Abah sehat', bukan 'Abah baik-baik aja'. Makin sore, makin gelap mau maghrib. Scene di mimpi waktu itu sama persis kayak sore terakhir saya sama Abah nongkrong di teras rumah sambil minum teh panas di cangkir kecil. Kita bagi berdua teh nya, waktu itu

Mimpi pas lagi Magang di Yogyakarta - 2014 


Pas lagi di tangga darurat sebuah gedung. Warna nya dominan putih dan tempatnya cerah banget sih. Ceritanya lagi turun tangga sambil nangis kebingungan soalnya abis dapet kabar nggak enak dari kantor. Sedih banget pokoknya hari itu. Eh tau-tau lihat Abah papasan di tangga itu juga, dan langsung dipeluknya deh saya. Kita berdua nggak ngomong apa-apa. Saya juga nggak cerita alasan kenapa saya hari itu sedih sampe pingin nangis hahaha pokoknya mewek aja udah sambil dipeluk. Pakaian Abah sama; celana bahan, kaos polo, pake jaket kulit, topi Levi's dan bawa brief case :) Trus kebangun karena ternyata saya tidur sambil nangis sesenggukan. Udah basah aja bantal hotelnya hahaha 

Mimpi pas lagi ada business trip ke Tegal - 2015 



Latar belakang waktu siang hari. Lokasi nya di Jogja, di sebuah galeri seni yang lagi ngadain pameran. Ada Abah disitu. Ceritanya kita berdua mau pergi ke luar kota, tapi mampir Jogja dulu soalnya Mbak Etik mau nyusul. Sambil nunggu Mbak Etik, Abah nemenin saya nonton pameran seni itu. Pamerannya nggak jelas sih, saya juga malah nari-nari sendiri di dalem aneh banget. Nggak pakai jilbab pula dong (ini anak mau nya apa?) Abah nunggu disana sambil makan Indomie Rebus pakai telur + sate ayam yang enak. Bisa tau enak soalnya saya juga ikut makan sate nya. Pakaiannya Abah lagi-lagi juga sama. Beda nya kali ini Abah pake celana Levi's favorit dan Abah keliatan gemuk. Pokoknya fisiknya sama seperti sebelum Abah sakit. Gagah banget, 'Abah' banget. Abah juga nggak ngomong apa-apa. Diem aja. Bahagia sih di mimpi itu. 2 mimpi yang lainnya nangis-nangis terus kan? wkwk. Taunya pas Mbak Etik dateng, mimpi nya selesai. Saya bangun. Kali ini nggak pake bantal yang basah sih :) 


Mimpi pas lagi merantau di Jakarta - 2018 


Mungkin dalam kurun waktu 2016-2017 saya juga pernah mimpi Abah. Tapi nggak pernah inget mungkin saking singkatnya. 4 seri mimpi tadi adalah yang paling saya inget. Saya selalu coba reminiscing lagi ceritanya supaya nggak lupa. Seri #KetemuDiMimpi ini mungkin nggak akan teratur ditulis, karena tau sendiri kalo bakalan jarang dikasih mimpi ketemu Abah sejelas itu. Datengnya juga pas nggak terduga, like once a year omg!. Yang jelas kalo mimpi lagi (dan kalo bisa inget mimpi-mimpi nya kayak gimana) pasti akan segera ditulis dan of course, pake Bahasa Indonesia. Yaaaa biar gampang aja lah nulisnya :)) 





2018 marks the year when I finally take a big leaps and moving out from my hometown. A humble hometown (not anymore, actually), with all of those loving folks and friends for 25 years. A new job requires me to be in the capital city of Indonesia, in the Northern of Jakarta. People told me that Jakarta is not a good place for living. The traffic, the lifestyle, the people, the air, that unhealthy work-life balance, the pressure. YOU NAME IT. Plus it's 459++ Km far away from home.

Those thoughts got me thinking and slightly raises some doubts on myself
"Can I living that kind of life?"
"Am I able to live faraway from my mom?"
"How if the people are cruel indeed?"
"How if no one gonna accept someone like me"
"Can I compete with those ambitious people?"
"It such a big city. So big I could lost"
"Everything are so expensive. Can I still manage to save some of my money?"

It was so intimidating. I freaked out. Those questions are still running around in my head. On and off, all the times. I still adapt with my new job. It actually the same job I used to have 2 years ago, but as you can see, different company means different rules and policy. I still adapt with new friends who are all seniors. I still don't know how to do at work. I still analyzing and keep my eyes open of how do we work in a daily basis. I still have no must-to-go food stall in my desperate what-to-eat-today moment, except Warung Indomie nearby (thank God I found it). I still remembering the road I need to take to the city center and the way back. I lost like a dumb yesterday. I make it to the place I had an appointment but then decided to went back, because at the end of the day the meeting was pointless. I already tired, no one tried to pick me up, and my phone was dead = no google maps which is mean I was die. Well it was my fault actually, so yeah. I need to called my friend to pick me up and drove me back home. I was such like a big baby almost crying on the side of the road. What the fuck.

My sister once told me before I left, that all the good and bad, the hard and the ease, sad or happy are all in my prayers. Yes I prayed for this. I wanted this. I need to know, am I really able to go through this. I need to prove myself about what people said to me before I left. Yes I met traffic but not the crazy one, and not everyday. I've seen worst back in my hometown. Luckily, my office is just 5 minutes away from where I live and as I said, I live in the Northern side of the city. Yes I'm so sa that I have to live separately from my mom and my cats. I spent a day just crying and didn't know how to do on the first days. I tried to maintain it and promise to myself that I cannot be sad that much, because it's tiring and I need to focus. Yes I met cruel people at the shop. So cruel they make up the price for me. What a dick. Thank God, I just need to meet them one time. I met good people in my hard times, the security man when I got lost yesterday, mpok-mpok warteg, aak aak Warung Indomie, my senior at the office, my friends who currently living here and helped me a lot. Those are the things that need to be thankful for. 

I don't know how long I could be last. I'm already afraid thinking about it, but I tried to loose it up and let the day brings me where it should be. I just need to be strong and focus. 

PS: If some of you guys think I might be playing around and having too much fun in the city on the weekend, think again. It sucks to stay at home alone, and do not know how to spend it. Going outside maybe the way to keep sane. 







I'm still wearing my dress and about to vomit since I ate too much food tonight. People are finally home and eventually, I have a time to sit down and write. Well, tomorrow is my sis's wedding day and we just had a family diner, while talking about tomorrow's event. In the midst of wedding wishes for my sis, there was also a glimpse of wishes for me, as today is my birthday (well I write it when it still 3rd of March lol)


Yes, I hit 25 years old this year. Thank God, Alhamdulillah. But I just realized that for the very first time in my life, I am not excited anymore about the idea of getting older. I woke up today and wished that people would forgot my birthday.


It's kinda awkward, because I used to be that girl who thought "how could people hate their own birthday? why they hate the day when they born in this world?" but don't get me wrong, I still like the idea of birthday things such as cake, blowing candle, make-a-wish moment, friends, surprises, you name it. But maybe what made me less-excited is because, I still haven't done enough in life. Many things I haven't done enough. Well, 25 years old is not a joke. I know some people at this age, already start something for their future; career, love-life, investment. I am still far behind that.


I am not who I am today. No matter how hard I pretend, one person still recognize that I looked so gloomy tonight. I am so happy for my sis, but something is wrong with me. I never thought that hit 25 years old would be this empty. Maybe is it just me.


Anyway, this feeling should lead me to keep looking and finding. Completing wishes that I still hold onto, perfecting my own version of perfection, and once again to embrace who I am.


Little me in the middle

Happy Birthday, Fira. 
I know you haven't done enough, but I also know you've tried. 
Please do not giving up.